Todays

Two small pills from the purple case inside my purse could stop it all. In an instant. The heaviness in my chest, the whirlwind of questions in my head, the yearning for the time that has passed, the touch from fingers that are far away holding someone else’s fingers. A lurch of courage for a couple of minutes can solve it all, can end it all. Forever perhaps, if I wished for it too. I have had a taste of freedom and it’s sweet, and it’s a taste that you never stop craving for. It doesn’t matter how much of it you’ve already had, your stomach is bloated and on the verge of bursting, but you still need more of it. A couple of pills and its freedom.

Numbness is addicting when your head is chaos. When in reflections of everything the only pattern you can observe is disarray, when the skies appear sad even when it’s at its brightest, when voices of a thousand strangers constantly keep screaming in pain in your head, when the sharpest nails of the ugliest hands keep scratching the inside walls of your skull – numbness is enchanting. When you’re stuck in the middle of too much happening at once from every possible direction, emptiness is tantalizing.

How does one cope without losing any part of oneself?

On days when your head is the ugliest place to be, how do you find the will to stay in it? How do you find the patience to stay in impossible todays and still hope for a tomorrow?