Dearest Y,
It has been such an overwhelming year. I fear I have been changed in ways I didn’t want to be. I had been afraid of the same when the prospect of moving here was introduced. I had willed myself to not be altered by the people, or the place, or the circumstances whichever may arise. But life should never be predicted like that – such is the law of the universe which I am only beginning to learn.
Thankfully, I am no longer an alcoholic at least which is funny to mention as I write this to you amidst extreme lack of sobriety. I have had the fortune to meet the most twisted men in this lifetime. Evil men with the most generous smiles and the best of men with the rudest behavior. You, for example, have been the most pleasant surprise. With time, I have realized that men possess a heedless desire to protect. Some have wanted to protect me to keep safe my innocence while others have wanted to expose me to the cruelest realities in hope of turning me stronger. All under the delusion of their need to protect. And through these men I have learnt the most important lesson which is that one needs to be very strong to remain soft.
I have been struggling to understand strength through its various definitions of all the people surrounding me. How can so much of the world be collectively wrong about the most important of things? What sort of universally accepted blindness is this? I see you and I see how fear can be misinterpreted as strength. How guilt can be transformed into reason. How monsters can be accepted as just ailing people. How people in pain can continue to inflict pain even when they understand pain.
I do thrive to be stronger. To be smarter to not be this easily fooled. I do wish to go through all the cruelty there is to be able to meet the actual me. If I am as easily turned by each twist I encounter, was I even who I thought I was? Or was it only circumstantial? So I hope that you not be one of those men who long to protect me from hell, but one that holds my hand through it. I do cherish my innocence, and I understand the value of it, so I hope you trust that I will fight my hardest to protect it and not let the world take it away from me. And if I do end up losing it, rest assured that it was me giving it away and not anyone taking it from me. Because Y, I am sweet and I am soft, and I am also the strongest woman you will meet.
all my Love,
J
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